So far, I've tried:

Visual Studio 2005 (SQL Express)
SQL Server 2005 Express
SQL Server 2005 Standard
Visual Studio 2008
SQL Server 2008

with completely uninstalling and attempting to re-install in between each
time. I've done this a dozen times, reading various KB articles in between
and trying something ELSE to get it installed.

Called tech support and for good old $250 or so, they will help me to
install a defective (as far as I'm concerned) product. A little harsh? Not
if you've lost more than a week and 20 hours or so out of your life. I've
posted on the forums (with logs) and have received no responses at all.

I'm about to do a complete system wipe and start alllll over again unless I
can actually get ahold of someone who actually knows what they are talking
about.