Folks,

I need your help. I have a presentation to do about databases, which
is a bit dry. I would appreciate any database oriented jokes,
annecdotes, etc. Don't worry about the cringe factor. I can live
with that.

Thanks.

Tom wrote:
There's the "Query Eye for the Database Guy" FoxTrot comic strip
(http://www.ucomics.com/foxtrot/viewft.htm) from Sept 14. Let me know if
you require a transcript.

Although it really should be "Here's a tip: Null values don't have to be
*dull* values!"

- Alan

"Alan Raskin" <araskin (AT) agricoreunited (DOT) com> wrote


Did you save a copy?

I had few horrible (or may be funny) queries that crashed ASE 11.0,
11.5 servers. One of them was Access generated - with N no. of columns
and M no. of tables with no aliases for the joined tables, no carriage
returns - but just a long paragraph. Would checkup if I can find it.

1)
select col1, col2, col3..., getdate(), max (col20)
from table1, table2...
where ...proper joins
group by col1, col2, col3...., getdate()

The 11.0 dataserver went on grouping by getdate() and got hung due to
the above query. We had to kill -9 the dataserver. The developer said
that she knew that 'group by' should include all the columns except
the aggregate column.

2)Interview question : What is database theory?
Expected answer: normalisation

3)One of our lady developers implemented a new stored proc on MS Sql
server 6.5 without telling anybody. The proc ran for 13 hours
overnight, never got over, caused massive i/o and blocked all other
users. When we killed the spid the next day and had a meeting, she
said that, 'Actually the query logic is perfect, I just need to tune
the query a little bit'. People were stunned!

Arun

tom.murphy (AT) genie (DOT) co.uk (Tom) wrote in message news:<89507029.0311140146.2cc44c66 (AT) posting (DOT) google.com>...

Dale Kerr wrote:
Tore the strip out of the Saturday newspaper.

--

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* Alan Raskin ARaskin (AT) AgricoreUnited (DOT) com *
* Senior Systems Analyst / Web Developer *
* *
* Agricore United www.AgricoreUnited.com *
* TD Centre, 27th Floor www.ProvenSeed.com *
* 201 Portage Avenue, Box 6600 *
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************************************************** ********************

This is a true story. Happened to me. If I ever write a
book on "The top ten excuses of an ASE DBA", I'll have
only nine left.

I once really put my foot on it, and lost all the passwords
of a dataserver. Since it wasn't a critical environment and
I knew nobody was very serious about changing periodically
their passwords, I sent a message to every user saying
"passwords older than one month had been changed to xxx;
please change them to a new one with sp_password".

Nobody asked "and passwords not older than one month?";
I would have had to answer: "Well, they have been changed, too"

Regards,
Mariano Corral

tom.murphy (AT) genie (DOT) co.uk (Tom) wrote:

Old Dilbert cartoons might be a good place to look. I don't have the
books at the office but the guist of some were:

1) Wally: "Let's build a database"; you don't know what the problem is
yet; it doesn't matter, we like to build databases. (kinda like the
guys who put IDENTITY on every table in SQL Server)

2) Pointy haired boss: "We need an SQL database; Dilbert thinking to
himself: "does he know what he is talking or did he just an airplane
magazine?"Dilbert: "What color?"; boss: "Mauve has more RAM"

3) Dogbert exorcises a theorietical database guru by showing him
actual code.

In the last exciting episode, Tom <tom.murphy (AT) genie (DOT) co.uk> wrote:
}I would appreciate any database oriented jokes,

These strips are from my office wall and are generally all database
oriented; I have many others that don't apply to that narrow scope.
I believe that you can get these all from their respective web site
archives...

"We have a backup tape, right?" - Dr. Fun (16 Jul 2001)

"Suddenly he finds an over-promoted computer guru spouting useless database
concepts" ... "Look! Actual Code!" - Dilbert (09 Nov 1995)

"What color do you want that database?" - Dilbert (17 Nov 1995)

"The latest dinosaur extinction theory... no back-up system"
- Non Sequitur (24 Jun 2000)

but you *must* begin the presentation with this:

"I'd like to start with a cartoon"
"It's about a guy who shows a cartoon before giving a boring presentation."
"But it doesn't work becaues the cartoon has no punchline"
- Dilbert (4 Mar 1999)

Good luck with it.
--
"Profanity is the one language all programmers understand." - Anon.
D. Joseph Creighton [ESTP] | Systems Analyst, Database Technologies, IST
Joe_Creighton (AT) UManitoba (DOT) CA | University of Manitoba Winnipeg, MB, Canada, eh?